Why Cupcakes Are Deliciously Evil

Whoever thought of cupcakes must have been some sort of evil genius. When I was little, I was amazed that there were cakes that were not only small enough to fit in my mouth and be gone within 5 bites, but you can say that you ate 5 of them and no one would judge you for that. Now, let's go into the breakdown of why cupcakes are delicious and yet so very bad for you.

#1: They're LITTLE CAKES!!!

The PRO:

They're little cakes. What better pro is than they're little baked goods? I have never met a person that didn't like something in its miniture form, unless it was steak or ice cream. And even then there was at least one person who would spend about 5 minutes cooing over how adorable they find it. Even then, after the rage was built up, the common defense was, "But...it's a LITTLE CAKE!!" It's literally like a baby cake. That's what it is. Cupcake=baby cake. And who doesn't love babies?

The CON:

They're little cakes. Seriously, you eat one, and you're not sure how that computes into an actual slice. So you eat another. And another. And before you know it, you're sitting on the floor of your kitchen with an empty dish next to you, frosting smeared over your face, and you're calling your friend crying because the sugar is have an unholy jihad on your intestines. Case in point: cupcake=baby cake=eating more to feel full=so much guilt it's almost like you ate a human baby.

#2: Easy To Share

The PRO:

The scene goes like this: you're at a birthday party, an anniversary, a wedding, some kind of shindig that calls for a delicious baked good. But who's going to cut the cake? Who's going to responsible for that person that will inevitable getting short shifted with the sliver of a slice because they couldn't visualize how to cut that cake into 15 equal pieces? (And for those of you that don't believe me, draw it out. It's difficult)

But wait! There in the distance! Riding in (metaphorically or realistically; I don't know how crazy your head party is) on that noble white steed, is the CUPCAKE!! That sweet baby cake that will give everyone an equal portion of cake no matter what. Everyone gets their own cake, everyone gets to be happy and hyper on sugar. Problem solved.

The CON:

Maybe it's just me, and I'm just being old fashioned, but cutting the cake at a party is part of the tradition. Nothing says wedding reception to me like getting a photo out of it of the groom and bride smiling happily while cake is all over their face. I do understand that you can do that with cupcakes, but when you really think about it, how dainty and hygienic of you, smashing a baby cake into your beloved's face while you get to hold on to that little paper wrapper. Plus, a bigger problem is when number 1 comes into play: they're little cakes. How are you supposed to tell your 200+ guests at your wedding that they're only allowed one cupcake until everyone else has had their turn? Really? I don't know how your family and friends work, but I know some people who would turn to me while shoving 3 or 4 cupcakes in their pockets and purses while simultaneously thanking me for inviting them. And getting between them and their sugar fix could get me to lose a hand, and that's no way to start a honeymoon.

#3: Personalized Decorations

The PRO:

You have an 8 year old's party to attend. You don't know what to do except panic because you promised to bring the cake because you wanted to help the mom out of her own personal hell of planning a child's birthday party. On top of that, she's one of those progressive moms that invited both boys and girls, and based on your limited knowledge of children, boys and girls like different things.

I'd like to point out at this point that I'm not trying to shove children into gender roles at 8 years old. It seems to be the common conception though that girls like bunnies and Hello Kitty and other small and adorable things (thus the greatness of baby cakes for girls), while boys like trucks and dinosaurs and smashing things into each other's faces but cry as soon as they see blood so it has to be something soft (thus the greatness of baby cakes for boys). Plus, with cupcakes you can put trucks on some, ballerinas on others, and so on and so forth, and suddenly, boom! You have happy 8 year old children, which is a blessing when they're all hyped on sugar and probably have access to blunt objects.

The CON:

For anyone that hasn't done this, then you probably don't know how much time and effort this takes, especially when you're doing more than one decoration on the cupcake. Now, I'm a fatass, and sit around on my couch most of the day watching the Food Network, especially Cupcake Wars, which is why I know how stressful it is to do something like that. These poor people have an hour and a half to bake and decorate 36 cupcakes and they almost run out of time every time. And those are the professionals. Can you imagine how well you'll do with 24 within an hour? Yea, I thought so.

And so, with every pro, there is a con. And with every con, there's someone like me to point it out and make you just have pies for every party. I guess the moral to this story is that cupcakes are great. Greatly EVIL.

My Rant on Del Taco

I love Del Taco. I love the chicken burrito, I love the fact that they sell you a 1/2 pound of beans and cheese wrapped in a tortilla for 99 cents. I even love the fact that they give you fries instead of chips because let's face it, you're already eating so much soft food at this point that your teeth will pass out from the shock if they had to bite into a chip.

But there are things I don't like about Del Taco. The main thing is that Del Taco seems to fail to employ anyone who has an IQ higher than 68. And that is being generous, considering how they're a step above "imbecile", according to good old Wikipedia. So basically, the people at Del Taco are considered "morons" in my humble opinion.

Now, I think this is the time to put up the disclaimer. I haven't gone to every Del Taco in existence. I have only been to the Del Tacos that are within my area. But I have been to about 4 or 5 different ones and the experience has basically been the same, hence the broad judgement. Also, I'm not paid to advertise or tear down Del Taco; I just love their burritos but hate their service.

Anyway.

The reason this came to be is because every time I have gone to Del Taco it really is the same thing: I order food, they repeat it back to me, I say yes because confirming it should somehow be some sort of guarantee that your food will show up hot, be present and accounted for, so you can give them the money and drive away, possibly eating the burrito in the car or in the dark, little hole you call a home. But what REALLY happens is that after I order, and they repeat it, and I confirm, and I drive up to the window or just move over to the "pick up" station, they hand me food that is missing not just one, but TWO OR MORE things, or doesn't have a drink. Or has a drink that you didn't order and don't understand why they charged you for it, or the BEST one had to be when I ordered food in the drive thru and said I wanted an iced tea with it. The lady asked something that sounded like if I wanted ice in my drink. I didn't think much of it, considering how some people are picky, so I just responded in the affirmative. I pull up, pay, grab my food and drink, and drive away.

Now, this is after a long, hard, obnoxious day of work. Where all I want to do is just sink my teeth into something someone else cooked so I can work as little as possible to get fed. The burrito tasted spicy (but just to clarify before people start calling me "phony": I'm a baby when it comes to spiciness. It's just a fact.) so I grabbed my iced tea and took a sip. And....

It was a Coke. It was a Coke with ice in it. I felt the bubbles move their way across my tongue like an army marching through enemy territory. My tongue felt violated. I actually don't really drink sodas, which is why it was such a shock. Although it was also a shock that they somehow mixed up "iced tea" with "Coke". But even though things are missing, drink orders are messed up, and whenever I try to order from them to their faces everyone that works there seems to have a vacant expression on their faces as if I came in, stood on my head, and started screaming in Gaelic, I love the food. And will keep eating it until I'm too fat to get to them.

And by that time I hope they've developed a delivery system.